"You're on the wrong side of the road"
voice raised ready to explode.
"Mind the gravel, keep in tight,
Please, remember to drive on the right"

Do you know which gear you're in now,
My god don't look you silly cow.
Remember, the wipers won't let others know
which way you are intending to go."

"Go straight on, that street's one way
see the sign, what does it say!"
So I do just as I am told
Trying to be as good as gold

But a Greek in the road is having a fit
"Oh shit I think "we" have mistaken it"
So now I have to reverse back
I'm so happy my face will crack!

Driving in silence, don`t know what's worse
At least he's speaking when he utters a curse
Perhaps he's asleep, no I can't believe that
I'll know I'm forgiven when he starts to chat

"You're taking the bends far too tight
yes, I know you have to stay on the right.
Don't look at the drop and mind that rock,
I think you're having a mental block"

"Slow down watch out"
It was not quite a shout.
Both hands tight upon the strap
"At least I can read a map"

"Lorraine, you pick a beach and stop,
No, I'm not getting in a strop,
well carry on, you can't stop now,
you really are an independent cow"

"You've forgotten the handbrake yet again.
My god you really are a pain.
My trousers are brown, my knuckles white,
I wonder if others sympathise with my plight."

"Please ! why don't you let me drive back,
You've developed a most uncanny knack
of scaring me nearly half to death
Watch out! you're driving on the left"

"Why don't you just shut up and drive
I'd like to get back to Assos alive
I just can't take any more
So stop and let me out the door"

"Just concentrate if you will
and park it facing down the hill,
so why reverse? when you can go straight in
God mind the bush, must you give it a trim"

So I conceded and let him drive
That way I would return to Hungerford alive
But his driving skills sometimes lacked grace
He'd call the locals "ol twit face"
and he didn't always get it right,
Of course, I didn't say, as I'm polite